If you haven’t watched To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on Netflix, you’re seriously missing out; you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll remember what it feels like to have never been kissed. Spoiler alert – it’s the coming of age story of Lara Jean, a high school junior and middle sister, who is in love with her older sister’s ex-boyfriend (and everyone else) and who’s little sister, not so accidentally, sends out letters she wrote throughout her teen years to all the boys she loved, which she only wrote (and addressed) as a way to express her emotions. Lara Jean comes head on with her fantasies, as the boys she’s loved start to show an interest in her too.

Anyway, watching this movie made me think about the letters I would write to the boys I’ve loved over the years, what I would say, what I would want them to know, and as a way to express my emotions too, so here goes nothing.

To the first boy that I ever loved,

After all these years, I wish I would have thanked you. I wish I would have realized that when you broke my heart, you broke yours too. I just wish you knew that I don’t blame you. They say that memories grow sweeter with time, and if I force myself I can remember feeling hurt and alone and used, but mostly I think of how sweet you were to me, how you soothed my every fear, how you always knew what to say. I think about how much I wish I had said something when I heard about your dad, I wish I could explain to you that a year had passed and I hoped that you were healing and I didn’t want to make it hurt again, trust me when I say I know how hard it is to lose your dad, I’m losing mine too.

The reason I am thankful for you is because I never would have broken up with you and as much as you said you needed time to figure out how to deal with things without me, I needed that too.

I think after all this time, I just wanted to say that when you broke my heart I thought I would die, but in reality, everything turned out fine.

To the boy that taught me to love again,

It was so much fun to fall in love with you, or in lust with you. After my heart was broken, I sincerely thought that I would never feel charmed or charming ever again, and you made me feel so charming and so charmed. I remember our first date, and laughing so hard in the car. I remember not wanting to say goodnight. I wish I had left it at that, and not felt the need to date you, or to love you, but I was young and I had to learn lessons too. I remember peach moscato kisses and picking you up at 2AM, I remember thinking even then, I knew that it would end.

You made me feel pretty, but I think you made every other girl feel pretty too. I don’t know if you loved me, and after years I know that I didn’t really love you. I remember us driving one night, no destination in mind, and I asked you about your dreams and what you wanted in life, the things you wanted to achieve and you didn’t have an answer and that gave me my answer. I owe you a thank you too, you taught me to know what I deserve and to walk away, which is what I did to you.

To the boy that I’ll love for all of my life,

I remember the first time I ever saw you. I remember the first conversation we ever had, I remember how sarcastic you were, and how mad you made me; and I remember choosing to forget your name after that. But I also remember you filling the fridge at work with my favorite snacks. I remember getting drunk at an Irish bar and you driving me back home in my car. I remember I wanted to kiss you, and you wanted to wait, until I could actually think straight. I remember that night that we stayed up and talked until morning, we laughed and looked in each other’s eyes and told each other everything; we talked about love and life and exes and who we wanted to be, and I knew I loved you then, because you were nothing and everything that you seemed.

You have held my hand, and my hair back, you have loved me and laughed with me, and held me when I cried. I will always be yours and you will always be mine.