Hello everyone! Here to, once again, apologize for a few weeks of practically NO blog posts, insert crying face here. I’ve missed writing oh so much, but have felt so uninspired recently, that was until the sun started shining and days seemed a little warmer and a little lighter and a little longer and I finally felt a little happier – HELLO SPRING, hello birds singing, and stops for ice cream on the way home, and green grass, and the sunroof open, and loud music. It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks and I don’t know how it’s April already, but I do know my heart is happiest writing, and I’m excited to finally feel inspired again, so inspired in fact that I have something scheduled to go live EVERY week in April, I texted one of my blog friends, because only fellow bloggers can appreciate how freeing and exciting that feels, imagine doing enough homework assignments to last you through the next few weeks!
Speaking of homework assignments, as you all know, I’ve started graduate school, which is simultaneously the thing I’m most proud of and most scared of – which I think means I’m growing, right? It’s funny I recently looked back at an old blog post where I talked about how much I wanted to go back to school but how I didn’t feel brave enough, and that makes me feel even more proud of myself, but also this blog, because it makes me want to commit to things. While I actually look forward to class, please don’t roll your eyes, there are days where I feel all of 16 again, like when someone in an ill-fitting pant suit spent my entire presentation whispering only for me to lip read, “Why does she have to be so…” I missed that last bit, but what I heard was enough to make me feel so inadequate, and small, and like I didn’t belong. I’m working on myself all the time and I forgot the way school makes you compare yourself to everyone else. I’m doing well in both my classes and passed out of an Excel class early in the semester, I’ve completed orientation and am excited to pick my summer and fall classes; I feel like I haven’t made my brain work so hard in a long time and it feels really good to exercise that muscle, now, to ignore those who think I’m too shiny, or loud, or bright, or whatever, and to feel smart and strong, all the while knowing that at the end of my graduate school journey hopefully stands my dream job.
Oh also. My car got totaled. It was early March when I got into a car accident, and I’m fine and the insurance company is resolving everything, and soon I’ll be car shopping, but it’s been the biggest and most expensive inconvenience. My phone seems to ring 100x a day, only making me feel more busy and more stressed. When I went to go get my license plates and clean out my car I saw my Starbucks cup from that morning with half a cinnamon dolce latte still in it, I must have had six sips before it ended up spilled on my seats and all over the car and I thought how weird it was to have been sipping that latte like any normal Wednesday morning, thinking about my quiz in class that night, and stopping at the grocery store. Life can change after six sips and I was very lucky to have walked away, mostly just grumpy that I didn’t get to finish my coffee.
My dad seems to be getting worse lately, and that makes me scared and sad and teary eyed in moments I don’t expect to be. Is it weird to miss someone who is in your living room? I miss him so much; I have these really vivid dreams recently where he and I are having conversations and I wake up with tear-stained cheeks and I go downstairs to see which was the dream, the world where he doesn’t talk anymore, or the world where he does, and feel disappointed and then feel guilty for feeling disappointed because I should be soaking up every moment with him while he is still here.
Life is a lot like the seasons, things change, some days are darker and some lighter, some warmer and brighter and all you can do on the gloomy ones is look forward to the next bit of sunshine. So here’s to hoping for 65 and sunny from here on out.